In today’s world, mothers often find themselves in a no-win situation. The cost of living is high, and job market instability makes it difficult for most families to survive on a single income. At the same time, mothers are expected to work as if they don’t have children and parent as if they don’t have a job.
These impossible expectations create a cycle of guilt and burnout that forces many women into an unfair choice: prioritizing their careers at the expense of their well-being, or stepping back professionally and facing financial strain and loss of identity. I remember countless evenings sitting on the sofa with my husband, long after the kids had gone to bed—juggling a work project, studying for a certification, folding laundry, and trying to squeeze in time with him. I was exhausted, my brain was maxed out, yet I still felt like I wasn’t doing enough. But in reality, if always felt like no matter what I did, it was never enough. This mom guilt doesn’t just impact individual families—it has far-reaching effects on workplaces, communities, and society as a whole.
My Experience: The Moment I Realized the Unspoken Rules
“But you mean part-time, right? Because you want to be a good mom?”
That question was thrown at me at a mom’s group when I lived in Madison, WI. I had just shared that I was ready to go back to work full-time after having my second baby. That question wasn’t curiosity—it was a judgment wrapped in a question.
That moment wasn’t just about me. It reflected a deeply ingrained societal belief: A “good mom” must sacrifice her career, her goals, and the person she was before she had children.
But here’s the thing—I was a stay-at-home mom (SAHM), and I hated who I was becoming. One night, when we were living in San Diego, after the kids had finally fallen asleep, my husband and I sat down to chat. But instead of a real conversation, it was just him talking about work and me talking about the kids. I realized I had nothing else to add—no stories from my day, no ideas to toss around. It was like I had disappeared into motherhood. And let me tell you, a conversation around chores or diapers can really only go so far. I loved my kids, but without intellectual stimulation (outside of caring for a newborn, a toddler, and managing a household), I felt myself losing the sharp, ambitious, problem-solving person I once was.
I don’t want to be “just a mom”—I want to be everything I have worked to become AND a mom. Why is being ‘just a mom’ expected—but being more than that is a problem? And whose problem is it really?
The Working Mom Double Standard: Who’s Really Feeling the Guilt?
Did I miss my kids when they were in daycare? Of course! But something always struck me—I was the only one ever asked that question.
No one asked my husband if he missed our kids while he was at work.
Even though he was more emotional than I was about daycare, it was assumed that I should be the one to feel guilty.
Here’s the truth: Daycare wasn’t something I did to my kids—it was something I did for them.
- It gave them exposure to different people, new experiences, and a wider circle of safe caretakers.
- It gave them opportunities for social and cognitive development I couldn’t always provide at home.
- It gave me the chance to recharge, reset, and return to them as a better parent.
But society rarely frames it this way. Instead, moms are expected to do everything at home without support, without breaks, without recognition, and in silence. This expectation is outdated, unrealistic, and damaging—not just to mothers and their mental health, but to our entire economy.
Cue the anxiety and societal pressures. Hello increased mental load.
The Workforce Impact: The Motherhood Penalty vs. The Fatherhood Bonus
Mom guilt isn’t just an internal emotional battle—it has real professional consequences.
Hiring Bias and Wage Gaps
- Mothers are 79% less likely to be hired than non-mothers with the same qualifications. Meanwhile, fathers are 12% more likely to be hired than non-fathers (Correll et al., 2007).
- When hired, mothers earn an average of $16,000 less annually than women without children, even when they have the same education and experience ((AAUW, 2021).
- Meanwhile, fathers experience a ‘dad bonus’—earning more and being perceived as more stable and committed employees.
Lack of Workplace Support for Mothers
Beyond bias in hiring and wages, the structure of the workforce fails to account for the reality of motherhood. Many mothers find themselves forced out of the workforce—not by choice, but by circumstances beyond their control.
I had to make this decision too. With each child, I had to quit working—not because I wanted to, but because we couldn’t find childcare for a 6-week-old baby. Even at 6 months old, there were few openings. Most daycare spots were for children 18 months and older, which meant long waitlists. It meant I had no choice but to stay home while waiting for a daycare spot to open. When one finally became available, I found myself faced a whole new challenge—getting back into the workforce.
This lack of structural support leaves many mothers in impossible situations:
- The U.S. is the only industrialized country without guaranteed paid maternity leave (OECD, 2022).
- 1 in 4 women return to work less than 10 days after giving birth due to lack of paid leave (National Partnership for Women & Families, 2022).
- Without flexibility, many mothers feel forced to scale back or leave the workforce altogether, not because they want to, but because the system is built against them.
- Economic Loss Due to Workforce Barriers: The lack of support for working mothers leads to reduced labor force participation, costing the U.S. economy billions. Closing the gender employment gap could boost GDP by 4.2%, and closing the gender pay gap could add $541 billion annually to women’s earnings. (FT, AAUW)
- Impact of Childcare & Parental Leave Policies: High childcare costs and the absence of paid parental leave force many mothers to reduce work hours or leave jobs, lowering workforce retention and productivity. Implementing better family policies could increase economic growth and consumer spending. (FT, OECD)
This is not sustainable. And the consequences extend beyond the workforce.
Community Impact: Who’s Left Holding the Burden?
The unpaid labor force of communities depends on women—especially moms.
- Mothers make up the majority of unpaid community labor, from organizing school functions to spearheading local policy changes.
- When working moms burn out or are pushed out of the workforce, this labor doesn’t get replaced—it disappears.
This is not just about PTA meetings—it’s about representation in all decision-making spaces that affect families.
Example: Many school boards, neighborhood associations, and local government initiatives are underfunded and understaffed—and when mothers are forced to step back, entire communities suffer.
Societal Impact: What Are We Teaching the Next Generation?
The solution isn’t forcing every mother into one role or another—it’s ensuring all choices are supported.
At Work:
- Employers must recognize that supporting working parents isn’t a perk—it’s an investment.
- Paid parental leave, flexible work arrangements, and eliminating the ‘motherhood penalty’ are necessary for a modern workforce, especially in a nation where cost of living often requires dual incomes for families to survive.
In Society:
- Shift the narrative around working moms—celebrate and support their contributions instead of questioning their commitment.
- Normalize shared parental responsibilities—because raising children isn’t just a mother’s job – it takes a village.
On a Personal Level:
- Moms need to stop accepting the guilt as the default. You are not doing things TO your kids, you are doing things FOR them. Providing for them to the best of your ability is nothing to feel guilty about. I know when I started looking at things from this perspective, a lot of the guilt I had been carrying, left my shoulders.
- Seeking support, setting boundaries, and modeling a balanced life isn’t just beneficial—it’s necessary.
The Bottom Line
The strongest workplaces, the healthiest communities, and the most successful economies don’t thrive despite mothers—they thrive because of them. So if we want that for our economy, then we need to stop with the guilt trips and make space for mothers at the table, because we know, better than anyone else, what’s at stake.
