In today’s competitive, professional world, trying to achieve work-life balance often feels like being forced to walk a tightrope holding an unbalanced pole, on a windy day, over a vast canyon, with no net. For mothers who also hold a job outside the home or run a business like myself, a safe crossing can feel like an impossibility.
That perfect balance between work life and personal life seems to only be possible with the help of Hollywood magic. So what can we do since we don’t live on a set? What about trying to get the professional world to talk about work-hours not being 9:00 am -5:00pm / 40-hour work week but maybe allowing options that mirror school-hours 8:00am -3:00pm, or having a 10-hr/4 day, or let’s be crazy and talk about a 30-hour work week instead? What would it look like if we can have time to take art classes, read a book, go to the gym, take a NAP, parent our kids through more than just dinner and homework, or do whatever we need to do to refill and recharge ourselves? Would we all still be so burned-out? How would we feel if we had our full-time careers or businesses AND had time to enjoy life, our family, and being with our friends? Perhaps, if we’re willing to think about things differently, make some adjustments, it won’t just be working moms that benefit from it, but it will be working moms that jump into that change first and that terrifying canyon we’ve been trying to cross will feel a whole lot smaller.
Changing “Balance” for “Flow”
Balance is a word that is often thrown at working moms and I am not a fan. For better or for worse, I am human and no matter how hard I’ve tried to muscle it, I have never made every day equal in family and work time. Somedays the kids got sick and I didn’t work at all. Somedays I had meetings all through the day and late into the evening and barely saw my family. Somedays I had projects or presentations to prepare for that took the entire weekend. Somedays I didn’t have the energy for anything and just needed to sleep and be alone. All I got from my balancing efforts was feeling horrible about myself, burned-out, and bone-deep exhaustion.
The last job I held was the textbook definition of an inflexible company. I worked in an office M-F 9am to 7pm, was on-call nights and weekends, and expected to read through projects over the weekend to have notes for the next meeting. Most of the work I did could have been done from home and there was no point to me being in 9 out of 10 of the weekly company meetings. If you added my commute to the mix, an hour and a half each way (for just 12 miles mind you), work consumed 13 hours of my day. As a mom, this was brutal. I left my home at 7:30am every day, dropped my 18-month old off in daycare by 7:15am at the latest and wouldn’t get home until 8:30pm, and my kiddo was often already asleep by then. Where is balance in a life like that?
So how do you go from a work-dominated life to finding work-life flow? First and foremost, it is a process. I worked with the company for 8 months before I introduced the idea of more flexible options – like working from home. I was a department of 1 and most of what I did could be done at home, and how much more efficient I could be if I didn’t spend 3 hours a day commuting, the assistants could always reach me by phone or by email, etc. Eventually, I was granted a trial period. Now, the plus side was that I got 3 hours back a day. The negative side was that I didn’t do a good job setting up boundaries and they assumed that meant I could work for them for 3 more hours a day…. Live and learn, right?
Like so many other women, I found my solution to work-life flow outside of Corporate America. Flexibility became a “must-have” for me as a working mom, along with the boundary that I am not available 24/7/365, and I couldn’t get those 2 things as an employee, so I had to go out on my own.
Now, why would a business want to be better about helping its employees find work-life flow? What’s the economic benefit for them? According to the Center for American Progress (CAP), the economic result of women’s labor in the in 2017 was $7.6 trillion and if all paid working women in the US took one day off, it would cost the US almost $21 billion in GDP.[i] The research division of Mom Project’s calculated the lost economic value of working moms during the pandemic is 2020 was $393 billion, from job loss at $81 billion, and disengagement at $312 billion.[ii] While it often feels like the work place often casts aside the financial contribution of women and working moms, these numbers strongly suggest otherwise to me. To me, these numbers represent what women and working moms can do in an environment that isn’t made for us to feel supported and thrive, can you imagine what we would do when we are?? And I don’t think that environment would just benefit women and working moms, it would help everyone.
Say What You Need to Say
It’s such a tired trope but communication is key. Once you feel you’ve made that first shift of changing the goal from “balance” to “flow”, next it’s time to say out loud what you need from your boss, your partner, your friends and family – don’t hint at it, don’t be cryptic about it, don’t be mean about it, don’t assume they should already know or should read your mind. Be concise, direct, and thoughtful about what you need from others in order to do your job as a mom and a professional.
Now, I fully understand not feeling safe to communicate your needs at work. That last job I told you about earlier, well, I was fired for “not being available enough” on maternity leave for heaven’s sake! Even though I emailed everyone with exactly what was happening, what I was working on, and what I would be working on next. No one ever responded to those emails… I was just talking to black void of the interwebs… But, it helped me to know what I wanted and needed from my next job. In fact, after many conversations with my husband, I was so clear about what I was after that I ended up becoming self-employed instead of getting another job so that I could have the flexibility I wanted and needed while my kids were under 5.
Everyone’s path is different and not every company is toxic as that one, but before you talk with your boss, or HR, or whomever controls your schedule, sit with someone (your partner, a trusted friend, advisor, or mentor) and come up with a win-win plan for the business and for you. Maybe you need flexibility to take kids to/from school, or to appointments, or to WFH when they are sick, but the business needs certainty that tasks are completed. What is the middle ground?? Figure out what can be done remotely, and what must be in-person, and if there is any program that helps with communication (Slack) and project management (Trello, Monday.com, etc), then lay out a potential path to demonstrate how it could work. Promote how this plan is a win-win for employees and for the business.
Other beneficial ideas might include making your conference room both a virtual and in-person space, thus allowing anyone who gets a cold or is out of office for any reason the ability to still participate in the meeting (but doesn’t get the rest of the staff sick, etc). Or, what if meetings are only held on certain days and only between 10:00 am – 2:00pm so that any employee that has a morning or afternoon obligation won’t miss important meetings. This is especially beneficial to parents trying to get kids to/from school. Show how these types of benefits make working at a company attractive to potential future hires as well, and doesn’t just benefit you. Employee retention is important, no?
Build Your Community
Humans are social creatures, and women are its builders. They say it takes a village to raise a child and boy, does it! For a working mom, it can be so hard to find or build that village. Places you would meet other moms, like Mommy and Me classes or Mom Meet Up groups are often mostly held on weekday and during traditional working hours, so how are you supposed to build your village when you can’t find time to meet others? I’ve struggled with this problem for years. As someone who has moved often due to work (about every 2 years since I graduated college), I know how hard it is to make friends and rebuild everything all the time, but it’s a must. Being a working mom can be a very lonely and isolating journey. Society wants SAH moms to shun you for not being a “traditional mom” and the business world wants to make you feel guilty for not living and breathing work 24/7 anymore and it becomes easy to succumb to the negative vibes that surround you. This is where you need your community, your people, to surround you! Find a networking or parenting group that works for you – in-person or online. Seek out hobby, social, or religious groups that will support you. Make friends. Make contacts. Follow up with them. Put in the effort, and, yes, I know you’re tired, mama, but if you don’t have friends and family around you now that you can rely on, then you need to do this. People will help you, you just have to get out of the house to go meet them.
Lead the Way – Woman Up
Heaven knows there were many times when I felt worthless and I would’ve laughed at you if you told me I was a leader. In those moments, it didn’t matter that I had been one, it mattered that I no longer felt capable, but as a mom, I was one whether I liked it or not. The decision to raise another human being to the best of my ability, to me, meant that even at my lowest points, I needed to take a step forward, no matter how small, toward my best for my family and for me.
Being a leader isn’t just leaning-in, or acting like the men around you, or making people to do what you want, to me, it’s embracing all that I am and showing my family and others how I show up in this world, with all my flaws and failures included, but I show up and if I can do it, then they can too. Determination, mistakes, compassion, empathy, intelligence, sense of humor, joy, ambition, adaptability, and authenticity all help a leader connect with those around them, to build cohesion and strength, and that is the type of leader I strive to be. My emotions and flaws and physical size don’t make me weak as a leader, they make me real and human. The fact that I have failed and I have hurt but I still choose, every day, to get back up and try again, to love myself, to connect with others, and it’s these qualities that I find in so many women I met and so many moms, that make us amazing leaders but we doubt ourselves and cast it aside because it’s not like how others lead.
I might not ever be a global leader, or a famous personality, but I will always be a leader. I choose to lead by being supportive of others, compassionate and caring, to be humble because I can always improve, and to raise my voice because I know I have something important to say or someone around me who is afraid to say it so I will for them.
I admit that walking the tightrope was scary at first. The pole I was given was meant to throw me off balance, the canyon was meant to make me doubt myself, and the lack of netting was meant to scare me. But when I stopped aiming for balance and went with the flow, the wind pushed me forward instead of holding me back. It’s so important to focus on and aim for the life YOU want to live, and for YOU to decide how to go about getting it because others really don’t know what’s best for you since they have never walked in your shoes. Don’t stay silent, instead, speak up and say what you need – shout it out to the universe by yourself if people make you nervous, but be clear and direct about what you need to make progress in your life. Never put yourself down as anything less than the leader you already are – own it and accept it and use my belief in you to fuel you until you are ready to believe in yourself. When you do these things, all the various parts of your life pull together, and you can fly across the tightrope. Yes, that first step might be scary, terrifying even, but the rest aren’t. And I know it because I did it, and if I can do it, then you can too!
[i] Americanprogress.org https://www.americanprogress.org/article/a-day-in-the-u-s-economy-without-women/
[ii] Forbes.com https://www.forbes.com/sites/allisonrobinson/2023/11/30/the-economic-impact-of-moms-in-the-workforce-is-the-next-research-frontier/?sh=218d5dd746cd
